so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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