is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
