sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
