I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
