You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
