So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
