After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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