Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
