Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize