the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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