you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
