I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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