there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We left the knife in your bed.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
