i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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