dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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