sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
