i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Randomize
