Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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