I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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