I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
