I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
