i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
