This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
