just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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