I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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