I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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