is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
