Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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