new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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