you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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