Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
