So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I look better un-naked...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
