she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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