my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
