I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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