I am puke
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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