Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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