can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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