dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
