You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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