You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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