I accidentally burped into my bong.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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