i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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