things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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