My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
