watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
