Do vagina's smell?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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