so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
