I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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