"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize