sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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