When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize