Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
