if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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