I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
