Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
