you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
