So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
