Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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