I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This is my gift to your gina
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
