my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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