i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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