Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
