Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
