so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
