College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize