the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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