saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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