Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
