I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
