I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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