Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
